Boys' Night Out
by Fang Cullen
Summary: Just some nonsensical fluff...Emmett, Jasper, and Edward drag Carlisle into a strip club. Much fun and death-threats ensue. Rated T for some sensuality and like one cus word but whatever. Enjoy!


How had I let them talk me into this?

Didn't I have some kind of will-power? Some kind of substance, in order for me to hold my own? Or was I just as light and as swayable as a spider-web, drifting in a mid-summer's breeze?

I sighed, because I full well knew the answer. I was a hopeless push-over.

"Jeezus, Carlisle, could you be any more uptight?" came the voice of my son, Emmett. "It's just a night out, how bad could it be?"

I slumped my shoulders. This was miserable. From behind, the hand of my newest son, Jasper, settled on my shoulder. "Carlisle, it won't be that bad, I promise. Just try to have fun."

I sighed again. Surely, fun. What could be _more_ fun than a night at a strip club? Why on _Earth_ would I want to be at home with Esme, or at the hospital, or reading a novel, or, or--?

Edward struggled to stifle a laugh next to me._ Am I funny?_ I thought, scornfully.

Edward replied, "Yes." I scowled. "But only because that is exactly the reason why you need this."

What had gotten into him? I would think Edward of all people would be as vehemently opposed to this idea as I was. Was he possesed?

He snickered again.

I wanted to scream.

We walked down the semi-crowded street. A little girl cried to her mother. A man on his cell-phone cursed at what seemed to be his assistant. A teenaged girl and apparently her boyfriend broke stride minutely to stare at us.

I groaned internally. We had to look conspicuous. Four nicely-dressed, incredibly pale, and if -I-should-say-for-myself rather attractive men just walking down the street. I imagined whistling.

Honestly, it was as if there were neon lights around us saying, "We're not vampires! Gasp! How could you think such a monstrous thing?"

And then I saw it.

It. The actual monstrosity. The neon signs. El Club de Diamante, the flashing lights screamed. "The Most Prestigious Club in Seattle!" other signs declared. _What defined prestige, when it comes to strip clubs? _I wondered sarcastically, knowing Edward was listening. _Highest number of unplanned pregnancies?_

Edward bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Jasper and Emmett looked annoyedly at Edward. I knew how they felt.

We were nearing the entrance way now. A couple of young ladies in rather--um--_questionable_ attire walked passed us. I heard Emmett's lips curl back into a smile, and their eyes popped wide. Oh, had I raised animals?

My troubled thoughts were interrupted by a man in a suit. He cleared his throat and my head snapped up. "Gentlemen?" he asked for ID.

Edward flashed his fake "I am _so_ over 21" ID. Emmett went next as I saw Edward turn and smirk at me as he entered the bellowing bassed, neon lighted club. He was swallowed by it. Jasper showed his.

In a moment of hesitation, I considered running, but I knew Edward would catch me if I tried to do it while remaining inconspicuous, and if I neglected to remain inconspicuous, well, then, I had bigger problems than a bout of immaturity.

But as it was, I was too reasonable to do either, so with a sigh I flashed my ID and entered the most terrifying places I'd ever been.

And the worst part was, I was completely alone in my assessment.

Emmett, Jasper, Edward (the traitor) had agreed to this with all their unbeating hearts and then some. Bella, Rosalie--though with a little convincing--Alice, and Esme had too. I loved my Esme, and I knew the boys loved their respective women as well, but this kind of therapy was a little over the top. Ok, a _lot_ over the top. Sure, after the Volturi had come and gone, we were all a little shaken. A little confused, a little stressed, rattled some. But how did that translate to the need to see women dancing exotically?

You know, sometimes even the closest people to me were a complete mystery.

The music's heavy bass beat down on me, and the lights were making me delirious. Could this be more miserable?

The answer was yes, because as soon as I walked in the door, four women stole my coat right off my back, not making their intent unknown. I swallowed. For the first time in a long time, I had very violent thoughts toward my family. I caught Edward's rueful--dancing--smile as the ladies pushed me to a couch. I didn't resist for fear I would hurt them in my blind rage, but instead directed at Edward, using words very specifically designed for this purpose. His eyes widened in amusment.

Before I could do anymore--with my mind or otherwise--there were four women on a very comfortable couch with me. I noticed that they were all very beautiful. For humans, anyway.

The one closest to my left side started playing with my hair, and whispered in my ear, "It's very nice to meet you, Dr. Carlisle Cullen." I swallowed again. How did she know my name? "We're your VIP service." They giggled in unison. Edward turned away from the four girls he was dancing with to smirk at me. He jerked his head towards Emmett who had four girls of his own. I growled in Emmett's general direction--which was the bar--but he ignored it.

A cold hand clamped down on my shoulder. Jasper. "That wasn't very human of you," he whispered in my ear. "Have fun, or I'll know." It was clearly a threat. He turned and walked toward a door with his own four girls. He smiled evilly at me. "I'll be busy," he said so only I could hear.

I groaned internally, but was interrupted by the blond very farthest to my right. "I'm Ronnie."

The redhead farthest to my left: "I'm Stacy."

The blackhaired girl practically latched to my right side said, "Lily."

And the girl who had spoken first--she had blue hair--whispered in my ear, "And I'm Kyra."

Next thing I knew, Stacy and Ronnie were on top of me, and next thing they new, I was out the door. Screw human speed. Everyone was too drunk to notice anyway.

Okay, so I was 23. Forever stuck like that, but I had multiple degrees in medicine, and had been on this earth for 362 years.I was mature enough to back away from _that_ evil.

I sunk down against the wall of the alleyway I was in and put my head in my hands. I was going to kill them.

Then suddenly, _them_ were at my sides. I didn't look up.

It was Emmett who spoke. "We're dragging you back in there, you know."

I sighed. "I know."

_______

3 hours later, I was swaying on my feet and unable to think beyond how pretty the lights were.

Things had taken on a dreamlike quality, the only certainties being Em and Jazz supporting my weight, and the fact that I was dead drunk. What had I become? At that particular moment, I didn't care.

The "VIP service" had been amazing. As had the drinks, the dancing, and probably all the other things that were escaping my recollection at the moment.

Edward--who was on my right--looked at me with fear in his very young looking eyes. "Em, Jazz, I think he's going to die." Sadly, I didn't disagree with him. And from the lack of response that I could here, neither did they.

Emmett's face was for once devoid of a grin. "I don't think we should have done this, guys."

Jasper looked down at me with concern. "Ed, is he still thinking?"

"Barely. I don't know what to say. I've never seen Carlisle like this."

Emmett chuckled once. "Well I don't think he's ever thrown back 19 shots."

"Look at that!" I exclaimed, startling myself as well as them.

Their eyes rested on what had surprised me so. Edward grimaced. Emmett muttered a low, "We're screwed." Jasper patted my side where his armed was wrapped around it with a sad shake of his head. "Yes, Carlisle, that's your car."

Oh my God. I was so far gone it scared me.

I know I didn't pass out, because that's impossible, but the next thing I remember was being in me and Esme's bed. I got up into sitting position, which was a mistake.

I had some pretty goddamn dead sons.


End file.
